Missing you

Here we are. Our first due date - February 2nd. A day we were so looking forward to starting in May and then dreaded in June. It is strange to know that at one time there was a countdown to this day and now it's here and there's nothing special about it to anyone else. Just an ordinary Tuesday. Even if it is Groundhog's Day.

I know that not everyone knows that we experienced a miscarriage last year. I have realized that I would rather talk open and honestly about it in order to be able to support others in the same situation. I felt so alone when it happened and I thought nobody I knew had experienced this type of loss, but then as I shared my story I kept hearing more and more stories of women who have suffered a loss and made it out alive. Those types of stories were what I needed to hear, even if they were hard. While not opening up about how hard the grieving process is and not allowing myself to relive the heartbreak seems like the easiest path, I cannot process it all myself. I have a wonderfully supportive and tender husband who aches with me, friends who are sensitive to my needs, and family who gives us wisdom and support.

If I had to sum up this day into one word, it would be "bittersweet." The bitterness of losing a baby and the sweetness of growing our baby girl. My heart still aches with a longing to know my first baby, even though I will get to hold our baby girl in less than two months.

I still ache for the baby I will never know, yet I am so thankful for this sweet baby girl who is due next month. I prayed last year so many times that I would be pregnant again on this day and here I am. I never would have guessed just how pregnant I would be and I feel so thankful for that. However, being pregnant again does not take away the sting of losing a baby. I never could have prepared myself for how much miscarriage has changed me forever.

We wouldn't have our baby girl without the baby we lost and that is the sweetest gift we could ever receive, at the most painful price we could have ever imagined. I still feel robbed in some ways because pregnancy is very different for me now. The first few weeks were riddled with worry and anxiousness. I was so excited to see a plus sign on the test, but still hesitant to fully enjoy it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I was officially more pregnant than I had ever been. I rented a doppler to check the baby's heart rate and haven't stopped checking on her, even now when I can feel her moving around. I have not missed a single day of taking my prenatal vitamins, additional folic acid, and low dose aspirin. Every time I leave my doctor's office for regular checkups I think to myself on the way out "I hope I make it back here for my next appt" and pray in the elevator on the way down that I will be back soon and still pregnant. I see myself in the scary statistics about things that can go wrong in the last trimester. I worry about being able to bring home a healthy baby, or even a baby at all. These thoughts are not normal and I know that. Even fully trusting in God's perfect love and plan cannot erase those scary thoughts from my head, but it can make them go away faster.

On the other hand, it is possible that I experience pregnancy differently in positive ways. I cherish every single moment. I love to feel her moving, even when it can be uncomfortable and keep me up at night. I have few complaints about pregnancy and I try not to air them often. Some people may think it's a little much, but we take a weekly growth picture and I put them in an album. At night when I wake up several times to go to the bathroom, I smile and say hi to my sweetie. We splurged a little and got maternity pictures taken so that we can never forget how precious this time is for us. We started working on a baby's room when I was just barely out of the first trimester. We took birth classes even though we've been reading so many books we probably didn't need to. What does this all mean? We are embracing every change and fully enjoying this time. Taking huge gulps, not just sips, from a cup full of joy and love.

Even though this last year has undoubtedly been the hardest of my life, I feel a renewed sense of ease and contentment. It is so easy to say the cliche things through hard times -"God has a plan for you" or "There is a purpose to everything." These things are so hard to hear and hard to grasp in times of suffering. I have a sense of thankfulness that I have never experienced and an overwhelming feeling that God is good and so is life. He is always teaching me to put Him first and myself last and that He is strong enough to bear my burdens. This is not for me to shoulder on my own and that is such relief.

Tonight, I will likely cry. For what happened, what never was, and what could have been. I feel so much love and joy for this baby girl and I cannot wait to celebrate her arrival and to watch her grow. I'm so blessed to be mom to these angels.