36 weeks

I've had several comments this week from people who say I've dropped and I'm looking like I'm carrying lower. Any thoughts?
How far along? 36 weeks
Total weight gain: in the low 30s and holding steady
Maternity clothes? yep
Sleep: love it
Best moment this week: I really enjoyed our Tuesday night - it was pajama night and we had bagels with cream cheese for dinner (this was even Nate's idea!)
Food Cravings: Jimmy John's still sounds pretty good, along with jelly bellys and licorice
Movement: lots of rolling and squirming
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: Nope.
What I miss: Having a more predictable energy level. It seems like I have one good day with energy and I'm really productive, then the next day I just want to sleep/relax all day and I can't focus on anything. Sometimes I make it to 10:30 before going to bed, sometimes I barely make it to 8:30. I'm hesitant to make plans too far in advance because who knows what kind of day I will have.
What I am looking forward to: My birthday this weekend - many exciting celebrations to look forward to!
Weekly Wisdom: Worrying can get the best of me, but it doesn't get me anywhere. As my wise husband reminded me, part of that is my choice. I have to get better at controlling where my mind goes and stopping myself from thinking the worst.
Milestones: I am officially 9 months pregnant! Also, it will not be any longer than 6 weeks at the absolute maximum before I meet my sweetie (my doctor won't let me go longer than 42 weeks)!

Project

So now that most of the preparations around the house are done, I think I need a little project to keep me occupied at night. This way, hopefully, Nate will not find me at 10:30 PM on a step ladder in the kitchen rearranging our glasses wearing the most unusual of outfits. Yea, that happened. When I saw these, I just knew that our little girl has to have them! I am going to make a tutu (or two, ha!) and I think it will be fabulous. I've looked up some directions that require no sewing and I think I can do it. I'm channeling some of my very crafty and fabulous girlfriends and I'm really excited about it!

Just imagining my little sweetie like this makes me feel dreamy...

So much cuteness on one tiny body...



Seriously...after seeing these how could I not make a tutu (or two)?!?

Swelling?

*WARNING: If feet gross you out, do not go any further!!!*













So this whole time I've been thinking that maybe I'm retaining a little fluid, but it's not so bad. I can still wear my wedding rings and all of my shoes, so I'm home free!!

Then this afternoon I got so hot in my office I took my socks off and this is what I saw:


I'm pretty sure that trouser socks should not leave that much of an indentation. I'm putting my feet up and drinking more water RIGHT NOW because SON OF A PEACH CAN those are some sexy cankles!!!!!

35 weeks

How far along? 35 weeks
Total weight gain: in the low 30s
Maternity clothes? yep
Sleep: I wish I could find a way to comfortably take a nap in my office every afternoon. Oh and also take a catnap in the mornings. Also, I need to make myself go to bed when I'm tired at 8:45 instead of just "pushing through" for no reason other than because it's so lame to only have 3 hours a night at home awake.
Best moment this week: Watching/feeling my sweetie move on Tuesday night. She really was doing jumping jacks or the tango or even possibly the cha cha slide (Nate's suggestion) and it was so cool to be able to feel and see from the outside.
Food Cravings: On Tuesday after dinner I specifically wanted (and subsequently got) Jelly Bellys and half a Milky Way. Hey, it could be worse! I could be eating a pint of ice cream a night. Or an entire rack of ribs. Or a bag of chili cheese fritos. Or a whole chocolate cake. Or half a jar of peanut butter straight from the jar. Or 52 bagels with cream cheese. Or a spam and dorito pizza. Ok, I think I've made my point.
Movement: The most ever in the last few days - I even tried to get something on video because she was dancing and my belly was moving like crazy. This probably has no relation to the jelly bellys whatsoever, I'm sure :-)
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: Nope.
What I miss: Staying asleep for a stretch longer than an hour.
What I am looking forward to: Having the best excuse to say "no" to things that aren't really a priority anyway. I'm trying to get better about this now.
Weekly Wisdom: The best way to fall asleep is to have a hilarious dream about Dog the Bounty Hunter wearing a tutu and cracking up.
Milestones: 35/35! 35 weeks and 35 days left!

great husband

I'm so blessed to have a husband who will get up at 7:30 on his DAY OFF to clean the snow off of my car, warm it up, and clear a walkway for me. I love this guy!

Kirksville

We're back from our long-awaited "babymoon" to the Truman State University campus in Kirksville, MO. We were happy to see that not many things about this small college town have changed. We had fun driving by our old apartments, jobs, and just around the area. We walked around campus and went into our old campus buildings and dorms. We even managed to see the current campus art gallery exhibit featuring a retrospective from one of my professors.

Just as it should be, it was snowing and freezing cold the whole weekend. This is what Kirksville is known for!


This is our special spot where we would meet after classes. This is also where we exchanged our first "I love you" and where Nathan proposed - specifically the bench on the left if you really want to be sentimental.


Ryle Hall where we met and and fell in love whilst working the overnight shift at the front desk. We went inside and it smells exactly as I remembered it. Like a mix of body spray, plug-in air fresheners, popcorn, and dirty college kid.


I would often yell up to Nathan's window (the one with the air conditioner on the 2nd floor) and see if he wanted to go for a walk, go to eat, go to WalMart, or just go anywhere with me.


A horrible picture of the campus. Interesting note: the students in the picture were practicing some medieval fighting techniques. Pretty, um, cool?


Our favorite keepsake from this trip - a size 6 month Truman shirt for our sweetie :-)

On Saturday night we had a great dinner at Il Spazio where I used to work and then headed back to our crappy hotel for a night in. With that, we celebrated our 7th Valentine's day together. We woke up to about 3 inches of blowing snow, headed to the Great Wall chinese restaurant for lunch (where I also used to work), and turned the 3.5 hour trip home into a 5 hour one because of the snowy conditions the entire way home. We had a great time walking down memory lane, but are so happy to be home and not college kids anymore.

Flowers for me?

I got a special delivery today from my mom:





Thanks for the beautiful flowers! Both of your girls love them :-)

34 weeks

How far along? 34 weeks
Total weight gain: why do you want to know?
Maternity clothes? yep
Sleep: Sleep, interrupted.
Best moment this week: Lots of great moments this week. I got a burst of energy over the weekend and really organized all of the clothes. The closet has organizers with "0-3," "3-6," and "6+" and all of the Newborn clothes are in the dresser. They are washed, sorted, and rolled so that the design/saying is displayed. I love to just open the drawers and imagine picking out an outfit and thinking about how she'll look wearing it.
Food Cravings: still Jimmy Johns
Movement: lots - and hiccups at least once a day
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: Nope.
What I miss: turning over easily in bed
What I am looking forward to: Our romantic weekend trip to Kirksville. We'll be celebrating 7 years together!
Weekly Wisdom: Totally hypothetical situation: If your pregnant wife asks you to please get her a cookie with your sandwich and you do not, it will be a long car ride home.
Milestones: At 34 weeks labor will not be stopped because babies are healthy enough to be born with minimal complications.

33 weeks

How far along? 33 weeks
Total weight gain: 30-31ish
Maternity clothes? definitely necessary
Sleep: Yep, usually asleep by 9:00 or 9:30 at the latest. The truth is that usually I fall asleep on the couch between 8:30-9:00 and go straight to bed from there.
Best moment this week: At this week's appt we got lots of good news and questions answered. (This is a good time to mention that I love my OB and in response to the answer he gave to one of my questions this week I told him I wanted to kiss him. Bonus points if you guess what my question was about.) Baby girl is still head down (yay!) and should stay that way, is measuring right on track at 3 lbs 15 oz (which means she's probably a solid 4 lbs today, woot!), and my OB estimates she'll be right around 7 lbs. I just love to see her on the ultrasound screen and to see and hear her heart beating.
Food Cravings: still Jimmy Johns
Movement: love it! I think I'm figuring out a pattern:
Not too much action before 10AM
Pretty active between 10-1:00, then an afternoon nap?
Active again around dinner time/when I start to get hungry
SUPER active around 7:00-8:00, which is after dinner and when I sit down for the night - this is when Nate gets to feel her usually
Squirming around 9:30 or when I lay down in bed - it feels like she is trying to get comfortable to sleep just like me
Her movements have never woken me up in the middle of the night and I rarely feel movement during the several times I get up in the middle of the night. I think she's already on a great schedule, if only it could stay like this!!
Gender: GIRL!!
Labor Signs: Nope.
What I miss: Being able to comfortably put on socks and shoes.
What I am looking forward to: Too many things to list.
Weekly Wisdom: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, submit your requests to the Lord. Man I have I seen the truth in this verse during the last week.

Milestones: 49 days left until the due date. Also, we can now say I'm due next month. Awesome, crazy awesome.

Maternity Pictures

Here are just a few of the great shots from our maternity photo shoot with Keri Dummerth. She made us feel so comfortable and it was fun to take shots all around our house, yard, and the seminary across the street. We're so glad we did this because there are some really beautiful pictures and they will all remind us of how special this time is. She will also come to our house to do a newborn shoot when ladybug is about a week old. I'm sure we'll have an even harder time deciding which ones to get!

Missing you

Here we are. Our first due date - February 2nd. A day we were so looking forward to starting in May and then dreaded in June. It is strange to know that at one time there was a countdown to this day and now it's here and there's nothing special about it to anyone else. Just an ordinary Tuesday. Even if it is Groundhog's Day.

I know that not everyone knows that we experienced a miscarriage last year. I have realized that I would rather talk open and honestly about it in order to be able to support others in the same situation. I felt so alone when it happened and I thought nobody I knew had experienced this type of loss, but then as I shared my story I kept hearing more and more stories of women who have suffered a loss and made it out alive. Those types of stories were what I needed to hear, even if they were hard. While not opening up about how hard the grieving process is and not allowing myself to relive the heartbreak seems like the easiest path, I cannot process it all myself. I have a wonderfully supportive and tender husband who aches with me, friends who are sensitive to my needs, and family who gives us wisdom and support.

If I had to sum up this day into one word, it would be "bittersweet." The bitterness of losing a baby and the sweetness of growing our baby girl. My heart still aches with a longing to know my first baby, even though I will get to hold our baby girl in less than two months.

I still ache for the baby I will never know, yet I am so thankful for this sweet baby girl who is due next month. I prayed last year so many times that I would be pregnant again on this day and here I am. I never would have guessed just how pregnant I would be and I feel so thankful for that. However, being pregnant again does not take away the sting of losing a baby. I never could have prepared myself for how much miscarriage has changed me forever.

We wouldn't have our baby girl without the baby we lost and that is the sweetest gift we could ever receive, at the most painful price we could have ever imagined. I still feel robbed in some ways because pregnancy is very different for me now. The first few weeks were riddled with worry and anxiousness. I was so excited to see a plus sign on the test, but still hesitant to fully enjoy it. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I was officially more pregnant than I had ever been. I rented a doppler to check the baby's heart rate and haven't stopped checking on her, even now when I can feel her moving around. I have not missed a single day of taking my prenatal vitamins, additional folic acid, and low dose aspirin. Every time I leave my doctor's office for regular checkups I think to myself on the way out "I hope I make it back here for my next appt" and pray in the elevator on the way down that I will be back soon and still pregnant. I see myself in the scary statistics about things that can go wrong in the last trimester. I worry about being able to bring home a healthy baby, or even a baby at all. These thoughts are not normal and I know that. Even fully trusting in God's perfect love and plan cannot erase those scary thoughts from my head, but it can make them go away faster.

On the other hand, it is possible that I experience pregnancy differently in positive ways. I cherish every single moment. I love to feel her moving, even when it can be uncomfortable and keep me up at night. I have few complaints about pregnancy and I try not to air them often. Some people may think it's a little much, but we take a weekly growth picture and I put them in an album. At night when I wake up several times to go to the bathroom, I smile and say hi to my sweetie. We splurged a little and got maternity pictures taken so that we can never forget how precious this time is for us. We started working on a baby's room when I was just barely out of the first trimester. We took birth classes even though we've been reading so many books we probably didn't need to. What does this all mean? We are embracing every change and fully enjoying this time. Taking huge gulps, not just sips, from a cup full of joy and love.

Even though this last year has undoubtedly been the hardest of my life, I feel a renewed sense of ease and contentment. It is so easy to say the cliche things through hard times -"God has a plan for you" or "There is a purpose to everything." These things are so hard to hear and hard to grasp in times of suffering. I have a sense of thankfulness that I have never experienced and an overwhelming feeling that God is good and so is life. He is always teaching me to put Him first and myself last and that He is strong enough to bear my burdens. This is not for me to shoulder on my own and that is such relief.

Tonight, I will likely cry. For what happened, what never was, and what could have been. I feel so much love and joy for this baby girl and I cannot wait to celebrate her arrival and to watch her grow. I'm so blessed to be mom to these angels.